I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
