either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
So squirting runs in the family.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
