I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
