I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
