Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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