We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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