Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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