We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
