My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
