I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
