im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
