i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
