I wish my penis had an off switch
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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