i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
