Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
