I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
