YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
