good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
