dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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