if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
