She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
