I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
