just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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