Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
