i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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