Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
