I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
