You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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