True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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