I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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