I am in a vortex of obligation.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
