Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
