I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I think my fart just growled at me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
All I want is dick and wine.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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