sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
