I skipped work to stalk him.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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