There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
