Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
