my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
