This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
