Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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