Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
