how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
