Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dear god my vagina.
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