I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
