She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
