and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
