Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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