What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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