my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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