The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
