Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
