I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
