A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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