I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
