My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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