I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
